Mothers Are Entrepreneurs, Essential for Caring Economies
What I've learned as a long-time self-employed single mom, and why I think the future needs to be mother led
I’ve been working on formulating my thoughts on the intersection of motherhood and entrepreneurship for quite some time now. While I have the lived experiences that impart unique perspectives, it’s been another thing entirely to come to terms with my own conditioning which naturally shapes my perspectives and to move through enough mourning to begin to make some sense in ways I can communicate to others.
I debated whether to publish this piece on Mother’s Day. Yes, that’s a day (the day) on which more folks are mindful of mothers. But also I generally want to honor that the founder of this day, Anna Jarvis, was also the woman who later tried to abolish it, disillusioned by how capitalism had distorted her intent.
This is the kind of complex history that I actually want to lean towards, for I think it offers a cautionary tale. More and more people are beginning to draw attention to the care economy (thanks, COVID) and to the development of a caring economy. I believe it is of paramount importance that in this collective process we unearth and grapple with some of the deeper narratives that need to shift, else we end up in the heartbreak Jarvis came to know all too well.
One way to unhitch from dominant narratives is to center those often untold, so I’d like to start by sharing a bit of my personal history that I have not yet shared about much publicly.
In general I want to draw attention to the experiences of people who identify as women, and I want to be mindful of the full range of these experiences, from the often-marginalized women without kids to the hustling single moms to the devoted family women to the wise empty nesters. At this point in my life I can say I’ve been each of these at different points in time, and I know each has its own beauties and challenges worthy of being seen.
For this article, I will draw primarily from my own experiences as a single mother, and also as a person that has been running one business or another for the large majority of my adult life, in the U.S.
These experiences give me a number of unique perspectives, including on the collective dynamics at hand which are what inspire me to share this piece.
These experiences also grant me heartbreak at times.
Like many women, I’ve had people assume things about me based on my apparent gender (perhaps that work isn’t as important to me as family is) and/or family composition (perhaps that I’m less capable at work because I have other responsibilities).
But I also can’t tell you the number of times I’ve felt ignored (or worse) as a single mother, including when I’ve:
Listened to podcasts and read books about women and work/career life which neglect to even mention care responsibilities much less the challenges unique to single moms
Reached out to women who said their mission was to support other women (including women entrepreneurs specifically) and had them not recognize the exclusion and inequity in their messaging and offerings as it pertains to these specific social locations (parental identity and marriage status)
Spoke with potential mentors (men and women) and had them give me unsolicited advice that I should prioritize building a partnership/family over my career goals, completely ignorant of the fact that I was both a nurturer and provider
I completely get that there is a lot of complexity to gender, to parenting, to work/career, and that these compound when they are held together.
I get that some people don’t have capacity to hold all of that complexity. I share these pieces of my story in part to show that I am a person who has held this complexity, on the daily for about two decades.
If there are experiences that I describe in this article that don’t connect with your own experience, I know how that can feel. In particular I want to say that if you are a woman and not a mother for any reason, I see you—You are not alone and you may be able to read this article from the perspective that we are all mothering beings whether we nurture and care for children or other beings or some other creative endeavors (which is truly what I believe). If you identify as a man, I hope you can read this article with curiousity about the female experience while also accepting that the task of nurturing is not limited to women. Please know I welcome feedback that can spur mutual growth—indeed, that’s another reason I’m sharing my stories here today.
Because my stories are the ones that are mine to unpack, that is my focus here. And I can honestly say that even though I was raised by a bread-winning mother myself, and one with a social work background to boot, it hasn’t always been easy for me to recognize the role that gender and parenting has played in my life, because the dominant cultural narratives are so very very pervasive.
One such narrative that I want to call particular attention to now is the idea that mothers are soft, gentle creatures whose greatest strength is their devotion to others.
This image, like so many others, is a socially constructed one.
After all, ancient mother Goddesses were also warrior Goddesses. There are countless stories all over the world that show that women are dynamic humans, with countless strengths and abilities. Case in point, here on Turtle Island (North America), Indigenous Haudenosaunee women were once the ones to make political decisions about war.
Dominant culture is underpinned by different stories and norms today. As numerous history scholars have explained, in recent centuries there have been deliberate efforts to keep women collapsed into roles that serve specific (capitalist) goals.
And also there have been significant movements in recent decades for women to have their human rights enshrined and full access to human freedoms guaranteed.
The crafting of shared narratives have played important parts in both of these shifts.
So it is that I am here sharing with you my own stories today, as a gesture of reclaiming my full humanity and of supporting others in doing the same.
Because regardless of what I’ve been told and taught, the fact remains that my grandmothers and their grandmothers and their grandmothers were all working women, whether they were compensated for their labors or not. Some of them ran households, some of them ran businesses, and some of them ran both. Some of them were more independent than others. Some of them were not at all “soft”, as they became hardened by modern life.
While I’m skeptical of the oversimplication that mothers are “gentle,” I do know they can be compassionate, and that is actually very difficult indeed. The capacity to consider others (which doesn’t necessarily mean care for others) may indeed be their greatest strength. But it’s one that I believe equips them to find true courage and confidence, to endure many trials, led by a purpose greater than themselves.
Put in other words, mothers are entrepreneurial.
I’ve been talking with my fellow moms about this notion, and continue to be struck by their surprise in me naming this. What do you mean entreprenurial? How so?, they posit.
And so I will count the ways. I will also try to help you see that mothers are an imperfect yet stellar kind of entrepreneur, capable of overcoming some of the pitfalls that many entrepreneurs fall into. Their laurels are long overdue.
1. Mothers are led by purpose or vision
As I will continue to expound upon, there is no way to embrace all that motherhood or entrepreneurship is, all the joys as well as the perils, unless one has a sense of something larger than themselves, something calling them to grow, perhaps beyond what they may even be able to imagine.
Often in conversations about entrepreneurship, this something is thought of as an idea or product. Most people think of ideas and products as property these days, and tragically some people think of children that way too. But a child is of course neither of these, for they have their own inherent dignity and life path.
This means mothers may avoid the pitfall of becoming too attached to that something, even if like with all entrepreneurs it once gave them the status they so longed for (because, well, dominant culture is status-obsessed). I say “may” because this isn’t easy for anyone, I know. But letting my son grow to be the man he wants to be has felt so beautiful to me, much much different from simply letting go of a business that had run its course. I’ll share more on this topic later.
2. Motherhood, like entrepreneurship, is much much more than a “job”
Both motherhood and entrepreneurship require significant investment, and I’m not just talking about bootstrapping. It takes psychological ownership, a deep sense of responsibility and accountability.
In many ways both are more of an identity, for better or worse. Taking on roles typically comes with a lot of unconscious contracts based on social expectations. Mothers become caretakers, whether they want to be or not. In dominant culture, an entrepreneur becomes a kind of heroine, forced to carry the projected fantasies of those who feel trapped in coercive jobs.
Once we become mothers, we are mothers for the rest of our days. Entrepreneurs may retire, but mothers don’t. This means we are more likely to consider what James P. Carse calls “the infinite game.” While finite games are about winning, infinite games are about “continuing the play.” Really big difference.
3. Mothers, like all entrepreneurs, can’t avoid and therefore may embrace “failure”
In Saras D. Sarasvathy’s paper on what makes entrepreneurs entrepreneurial, she explains how entrepreneurs use what she calls effectual reasoning. Instead of beginning with a specific goal, they begin with a set of means (such as abilities, experiences, and networks) and allow goals to emerge over time. They approach situations of uncertainty with creativity, taking risks and shaping outcomes through relationships and a process of trial-and-error.
When I first read this paper, I felt so validated, both in my experiences as an entrepreneur and in my experiences as a mother. While some mothers may have specific aspirations for their children, our children have their own unique needs and goals. We are never given a manual, and I think many of us just feel our way through a wilderness of sorts.
If we’re lucky we may realize that making mistakes is part of the process. I’ve definitely learned more about this as a mother than I have as an entrepreneur. I think that’s because when you love a child unconditionally, with their warts and their scars, you learn so much about the beauty in imperfection.
4. Mothers are incredibly resourceful
As Sarasvathy’s theory states, we use whatever we’ve got to meet the tasks at hand. Like all entrepreneurs we often wear many hats throughout the day—cook, counselor, coach, teacher, conflict mediator, project manager, accountant, chauffeaur, health care provider, the list goes on and on. If we’re fortunate, we can draw from social networks as well.
Ultimately, we try to make the most of often-limited resources, be they social resources, financial resources, physical or psychological resources, time, etc. I want to emphasize that, just like with all entrepreneurs, the need to work within limitations is in part about there only being so much time in the day (more on that in a bit), but it’s also about scarcity by design. If we have more resources, it’s much easier to innovate and sustain ourselves and others.
But mothers are doing unpaid labor not only during a seed stage but over the long haul. They are masters of the veiled gift economy, in which exchanges are rooted in generosity and trust. (In market economic terms, they create positive externalities and some estimate that if accounted for care work would be about 10% of global GDP.) In my opinion, the “return” they get on their often-unacknowledged investments cannot be quantified and are infinitely valuable. All of us who have received mothering of one kind or another are living proof.
5. Mothers are deeply mindful of opportunity costs
Mothers know beyond a doubt that time is our most precious and limited resource. Our children grow so fast and it’s all too easy to miss what’s happening, in my experience especially if we’re hard on ourselves about how much there is to do and how much we might feel like we’re falling short.
Limits on our time can make us better decision makers. We can learn to prioritize based on what matters most, not only to us but to the relational networks we are a part of.
This is honestly the most difficult part of being a single mom, knowing you simply can’t do it all and having to get clear again and again and again about what you will and won’t do. For any of my fellow single moms reading this, my heart goes out to you, to us. I hope you too can find some ways to get support and make peace with yourself in the midst of the seemingly impossible.
6. Mothers pivot with each stage of growth
For all their strengths, entrepreneurs also have weaknesses. A well known one is referred to as “founder’s syndrome.” As I mentioned earlier, it can be hard to let go of something you’ve poured blood, sweat and tears into, for sure.
For mothers, it’s unavoidable though. Children become adolescents, and adolescents become adults. As one stage often-quickly evolves into another, we learn to live with loss.
I believe this is a super power. Because even as we make sacrifices, and stumble and fall, and mourn again and again the loss of a younger one, we never forget what keeps us going: Our purpose, our love for another being. In this way, I believe we stay human, despite all efforts to reduce us otherwise.
7. Mothers can be wounded, and wounding
I don’t feel like this story is complete without naming that all of this labor can come at a cost, sometimes a great one.
I’d like to believe that mothers are not just entrepreneurs, we are leaders. That we can demonstrate what it means to be responsible leaders, ones who care not only for our own dreams but for the longings of many. That we can show what it means to relate to people as whole beings, not, as too often is the case, as tasks or objects.
I’d like to believe these things but I know something else is true: We are not always, perhaps not even usually, the leaders we can be. The historical narratives, the cultural norms, the social systems, and our relational networks often fail us. As I said earlier, we don’t often have the capacity to hold all the complexities of gender, parenting, and work/career. To be clear, it’s both true that much of this is not our fault, and also that we do have responsibilities.
Because, like all entrepreneurs, knowingly or not, we mothers can perpetuate cycles of harm, and because of our steadfast commitments (and the aforementioned projections of others) we can completely miss that it is happening.
While I want to lift up mothers and all who we are being and all that we are doing, don’t forget I also want us to grapple with what really needs to shift.
If we want to build a more caring economy, then addressing what it means to be a mother today is absolutely essential. We may need to navigate some inner changes, as I hope I’ve modeled a bit here. We also need systemic changes, and, I believe, we mothers need to be at the helm of these changes.
I’m not just talking about enacting public policies for paid parental leave and universal healthcare and stemming gender-based violence, though of course those are necessary starts.
I’m not just talking about closing the gender pay gap, positioning more women in organizational leadership roles, and eliminating barriers for women entrepreneurs to access more capital, though again given the research those really seem like no brainers.
I’m talking about thinking and moving way bigger than all that, maybe reorienting to a more “infinite game.” I’m talking about mother-led cooperatives, mother-led banks, mother-led mutual aid networks, and mother-led land trusts. Informal grandmother councils, acting as (compensated) advisors to communities and networks, at all stages of evolution. Mass mother-led movements, stewarding our species away from militarianism towards global justice.
What else might we consider?
I truly believe if we can imagine it, we can build it. As I hope I’ve showed here, we’ve already got everything it takes.
Instead of trying to raise our children to live in this world as it’s been made to be, let’s broaden our vision and rebirth it, for the good of all. Together, let’s create the kind of world we want all children to thrive in. That’s what I think a caring economy truly means.